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It's about goddamn time for me to see how many whole onions I can eat sitting naked on a Baby Gap floor before I'm escorted out.

Her: Look at the pretty stars!

Me: Look at the endless black void that crushes your soul every time you try to rationalize it!

Your stick figure family window sticker promotes an unrealistic and unhealthy body image for your children.

I found $100 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy weed, Nerf guns and candy".

That awkward moment when all the white people in the bar don't know if the song is "Ice Ice Baby" or "Under Pressure".

If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

Stephen Colbert can still rip apart a room full of elites...

I was particularly excited to meet David Koch earlier tonight because I have a Super PAC, Colbert Super PAC, and I am -- thank you, thank you -- and I am happy to announce Mr. Koch has pledged $5 million to my Super PAC.  And the great thing is, thanks to federal election law, there's no way for you to ever know whether that's a joke.

Read more: http://thepage.time.com/...

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